Parties are natures’ way of getting drunken young people to sleep with each other in the quite convenience of someone’s parent’s bedroom while the unpopular kids sit at home and level up on World of Warcraft.
And what better party to pick up at than a costume party right? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “I’ll go as Wolverine. Chicks love the pants off that guy”! Yes chicks do indeed love the pants off that guy BUT…there are some pitfalls that some young go-getters frequently fall into. Make just one wrong costume choice and it could mean the difference between introducing that Sailor Moon chick to Superman’s “genitals of steel” and spending the night scrubbing blue paint off your Mum’s car seat. So take a minute to look over these tips on just how to get that special lady into your ill-fitting rented spandex jumpsuit.
Exhibit A
Picking a character –
Wolverine. Superman. Batman. Wonder Woman. You can guarantee that someone else will come as one of these “classic” characters and there is nothing worse for your pickup game than being referred to as “the shit Superman”. Not to mention that the costume you hired has probably had several hundred man parcels squeezed into it. If you smell cologne that isn’t yours while wearing the suit it’s a pretty safe bet that you now have herpes.
Your best bet is to pick a character that everyone had a crush on when they were younger. This is not only a conversation starter (“oh my God I loved Full House when I was a kid”) but also prevents your hook-up target from getting to know the real you. In her eyes you’re John Stamos – bad boy uncle of DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle Tanner, when in reality you’re an unemployed guitar hero expert with a near-crippling porn addiction.
Note: Picking someone like James Bond to dress up as is fine but picking an esoteric link to your object of desire is not. Dressing as “the hot postman that Julie had a crush on when she was twelve” just displays your disturbingly intricate knowledge of Julie’s personal life and interests. She will pepper spray you.
Facepaint / bodypaint –
An extremely bad idea! Some people think that by turning up at a party dressed as a Smurf they’ll become some sort of fabled hero known as “that guy who was blue da ba di da ba da” (that is an excellent reference for anyone who was young in the nineties).
The truth is wearing paint hurts your chances of hooking up on two levels. First, it looks shit. Ok? And yes I know your Mum helped out by doing your back (which is slightly creepy) but it still looks like a group of toddlers lazily finger painted your naked body (which is also creepy…and expensive). Plus as the night wears on the paint cracks and wears off so that by the end of the night you look like a Smurf who makes a living by going down on belt sanders.
Second, the paint tracks your every move. Pick up a glass? There’s blue paint on it. Sit on your host’s favourite chair? There’s blue paint on it. Take an anonymous photo of your penis? There’s blue paint on it. Congratulations! You have managed to chart your evening right from “arriving with no alcohol and stealing some out of the bathtub” to “sexually harassing the host’s dog before passing out in a hastily-built cubby of cereal boxes”. And yes, the blue handprint on Rex will be used in court. Use bodypaint and the only thing you won’t have to colour are your balls. Which will be blue anyway.
Props –
Can be good or bad depending on their versatility in a wide range of applications. By this I mean can your prop be used to cheekily lift up someone’s skirt? Wolverine claws – yes, Village People Indian headdress – probably not. Do chicks find my prop sexy? Motorbike – yes, talking pirate parrot – probably not (then again…). My point is if you’re going to have to hold something all night make sure it: carries beer, looks expensive, is not offensive to women. A prostitute can be two of these things.
Also, the veteran costume party picker-upperer will consider the application of the props in the bedroom. Should you actually fool some drunk/rohypnolled victim into coming home with you your costume could act as a sexual device. I’m looking at you Wonder Woman and your lasso of sexiness. Not you Hulk and your shorts of sexual aggression. You wouldn’t like him when he’s horny.
So there you have it. From picking the right character, to avoiding paint of any kind, to making sure your props have real-world applications both as a drinking aid and as a sex toy (simultaneously?…nah I’m just kidding), you now have all the tools needed to score at your next dress-up event.
Just don’t go as Wolverine cos I totally want to go as Wolverine. Chicks love the pants off that guy.
House of Hantrums 